| Government | |
 | Government is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 4 likes |
 | How can you govern a country which has two hundred and forty-six varieties of cheese? — Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President 6 likes |
 | I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. |
| Justice | |
 | A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. — Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet 4 likes |
| Laws | |
 | I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Power | |
 | I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 15 likes |
| All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Politics | |
| In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 24 likes |
 | The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
 | Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 17 likes |
| It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 13 likes |
| I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 9 likes |
 | Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. — Will Rogers, 1879-1935, American actor 7 likes |
| Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. |
| The Democrats said, “We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.” |
| Democracy | |
 | Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 2 likes |
 | The election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street. |
| We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate. |
| Communism | |
 | I am a Marxist —of the Groucho tendency. — Anonymous 5 likes |
| Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 37 likes |
 | Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite. — Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist 8 likes |
| Patriotism | |
 | A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. |
| Noncompliance | |
 | I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. |
| Violence | |
| If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 5 likes |
| I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Crime | |
| I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Murder | |
| Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Cities | |
| I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. |
| Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. |
| Crowds | |
 | No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 4 likes |
| War & Peace | |
| War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 2 likes |
| I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 8 likes |
 | – How come we play war and not peace? – Too few role models. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Without the police, everyone would kill each other and there would be no more war. |
| Arms & Weapons | |
 | Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s) 7 likes |
 | The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 3 likes |
| Diplomacy | |
| Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| British | |
 | The British have a remarkable talent for keeping calm, even when there is no crisis. |
| Americans | |
| The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 18 likes |
| In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 24 likes |
| The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 3 likes |
 | America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 6 likes |
| Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 3 likes |
 | I found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce. — Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat 43 likes |
| The Democrats said, “We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.” |
| France | |
| In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 5 likes |
| Jews | |
 | Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 3 likes |
| Alright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days. |
| Russia | |
| I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Communication | |
 | If you have a message, call western union. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 2 likes |
| Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| If you think communication is all talking, you haven't been listening. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Information | |
| The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
 | If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt 5 likes |
 | At the confessional, when a priest insists, we have reason to wonder if it is for the truth or for pleasure. — Maurice Chapelan, 1906-1992, French author of maxims & journalist |
| Journalism | |
 | Newspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 6 likes |
 | If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can't Swim”. — Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969] 4 likes |
| Photography | |
 | One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 4 likes |
| Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
 | My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 2 likes |
| I’m so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| Television | |
 | I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 3 likes |
 | One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 5 likes |
| Imitation is the sincerest form of television. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Don't you hate “To Be Continued”s on TV? I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life. |
| Neat and clean. That's the way I want to live. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise: big chair, nice TV, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. |
| Advertisement | |
| When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 5 likes |
| An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| Questions | |
| I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Gentlemen, I am ready for the questions to my answers. — Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President 4 likes |
| When will all the rhetorical questions end? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 3 likes |
| Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| My computer must be broken: whenever I ask a wrong question, it gives a wrong answer. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Truth & Lies | |
| I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 4 likes |
 | Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale. |
| Words | |
 | The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. — Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer 4 likes |
| What’s another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 2 likes |
| Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Language | |
| In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 5 likes |
 | In language gender is particularly confusing. Why, please, should a table be male in German, female in French, and castrated in English? — Marlen Dietrich, 1901-1992, German-American actress 2 likes |
 | Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. |
| It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. |
| Knowledge | |
| An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing. — Anonymous 5 likes |
 | Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov, 1920-1992, American Sci-Fi writer 21 likes |
| Dance | |
| If you keep groaning, please do it to a rhythm I can dance to. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 3 likes |
| Art | |
| I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Painting | |
| Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 2 likes |
| Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
 | The reason some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures. |
| Colors | |
| We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 2 likes |
| Music | |
 | Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. — Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist 4 likes |
| The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 2 likes |
| Imagination | |
| A woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 6 likes |
| Literature | |
 | Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page. |
| Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale. |
| Poetry | |
| I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. — G. K. Chesterton, 1874-1936, English writer & critic 3 likes |
| Writing | |
| I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
 | To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. — Wilson Mizner, 1876-1913, American playwright 3 likes |
 | There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer 2 likes |
| If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 2 likes |
 | The profession of book-writing makes horse-racing seem like a solid, stable business. |
| Books | |
| From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 4 likes |
| I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | No trilogy should have more than four books. — Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer 3 likes |
 | I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write. — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 4 likes |
| I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 2 likes |
| I bought a book, “How to make it big.” I got ripped off. It was about money. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
| Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… “How to Build a Boat.” — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 7 likes |
| What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? |
| What's most interesting about some books is the question: How did this crap ever get published? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 4 likes |
| Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. |
| Quotations | |
| There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. — Anonymous 4 likes |
| Mathematics | |
 | Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. |
| History | |
| Maybe comets killed the dinosaurs, maybe they tripped and fell. What's the difference? We'll never know. We couldn't solve the Kennedy Assassination, we had films of that. Good luck with the Stegosaurus. |
| Mythology | |
| Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 3 likes |
| Thinking | |
| I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| Philosophy | |
| "To be is to do" - Socrates "To do is to be" - Sartre "Do Be Do Be Do" - Sinatra — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 8 likes |
| His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools – the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans – and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, “You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.” |
| Theory | |
| In theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 4 likes |
| Hypotheses | |
| If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
 | If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 3 likes |
| If Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 23 likes |
| You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 3 likes |
| Morality | |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? — Anonymous 5 likes |
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