| Relationships | |
 | I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 4 likes |
| Neighbors | |
 | I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Love | |
 | I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
 | If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. — Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer 4 likes |
| Kiss | |
 | They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother. — Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach 3 likes |
 | High heels were invented by a woman who was always kissed on the forehead! |
| Men & Women | |
 | Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
 | Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in. — Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-2021, British columnist 8 likes |
 | If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? — Anonymous 7 likes |
 | I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
 | The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian 5 likes |
 | From the day that God put man in the presence of woman, paradise became hell. |
 | An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie, 1890-1976, British writer 1 likes |
| Seduction | |
 | Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 10 likes |
| Eroticism | |
 | Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s) 7 likes |
| I've been in more laps than a napkin. — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress 7 likes |
 | Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 8 likes |
 | I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. — Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer 4 likes |
 | There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. — P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer 6 likes |
| Sex | |
| Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. — Anonymous 10 likes |
| Life is a sexually transmitted disease. — Anonymous 16 likes |
| What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 7 likes |
| If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 7 likes |
 | Now that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her. — Oscar Levant, 1906-1972, American pianist 4 likes |
| Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in. — Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-2021, British columnist 8 likes |
 | I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 5 likes |
| Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 6 likes |
 | I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
| Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
 | A woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 6 likes |
| Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 6 likes |
| I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.” — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 9 likes |
| I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
 | Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood. |
 | Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. |
 | Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 5 likes |
 | If I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School. |
| Prostitution | |
 | It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 13 likes |
| Homosexuality | |
| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Marriage | |
| Don't get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you. — Anonymous 12 likes |
 | Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 4 likes |
| My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
| She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 4 likes |
 | Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams, 1951-2014, American actor 6 likes |
 | If we could see how women would look twenty years later, we would not marry them twenty years before. — Georges Feydeau, 1862-1921, French playwright 9 likes |
 | Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. |
 | A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. |
| Adultery | |
| My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 6 likes |
| I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
 | When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy. — Sacha Guitry, 1885-1957, French writer 6 likes |
| One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.” — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 8 likes |
| My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. — Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian 4 likes |
| Parents | |
| My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 6 likes |
 | My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 5 likes |
| Family | |
| Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
 | I believe in large families: every woman should have at least three husbands. — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress 3 likes |
 | If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Woman | |
| Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. |
| Children | |
| We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years teaching them to sit down and shut up. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 7 likes |
| Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 4 likes |
| I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Some believe that genius is inherited. The others have no children. |
 | You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. |
| Friendship | |
| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| A good friend is worth pursuing but why would a good friend be running away? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Conversation | |
| During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
 | Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. |
| Treating others | |
| Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Reciprocity | |
 | Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 8 likes |
| Respect | |
| I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 5 likes |
| Gossip | |
 | If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt 5 likes |
| Speaking | |
| I read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. |
| Brevity | |
 | I shall be so brief that I have already finished. |
| Talking | |
| I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| Listening | |
| One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. |
| If you think communication is all talking, you haven't been listening. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Silence | |
 | Never miss a good chance to shut up. — Will Rogers, 1879-1935, American actor 6 likes |
| Seeing | |
| Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 8 likes |
| Secrets | |
| The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
| There are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 5 likes |
| Advice | |
| The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. — Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer 4 likes |
 | Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 5 likes |
| The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son |
| Consolation | |
 | Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. — Don Herold, 1889-1961, American humorist 4 likes |
| Submission | |
 | I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 2 likes |
| Overcoming | |
 | A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. — Emo Philips, 1956-, American comedian 5 likes |
| Competition | |
| The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Rejection | |
| I can answer you in two words: im-possible! — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 2 likes |
| Conflict | |
| If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination. Driving as an act of pure hostility. |
| I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Protesting | |
| Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 5 likes |
| Blame | |
| Cheer up! The worst effects of what we're doing won't be felt until after we're all dead. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Enemies | |
| Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. |
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