Meaning of Life - Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
World - It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.
- The astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars.
Paranormal - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Atheism - A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Time - The speed of time is one second per second.
Origin - If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Speed - The speed of time is one second per second.
Animals - If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Names - The astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars.
Courage - There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
Willpower - When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Ignorance - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Stupidity - There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
Madness - The final test of fame is to have a crazy person imagine he is you.
Mockery - When I hear artists... making fun of businessmen I think of a regiment in which the band makes fun of the cooks.
Pride - Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.
Love - Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
Men & Women - If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- A woman hides from a man her past, the man hides her future.
Sex - Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- Bite marks are love notes written in flesh.
- Sex in France is a comedy; in England it is a tragedy; in America it's a melodrama; in Italy it's an opera; in Germany, a reason to take up philosophy
Marriage - Don't get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.
Woman - A world without women? Certainly is a pain on each guys ass!
Children - A baby makes love stronger, the days shorter, the nights longer, savings smaller, and a home happier.
Politeness - An armed society is a polite society.
Reciprocity - Don't get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.
Hiding - A woman hides from a man her past, the man hides her future.
Insult - Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?
Rejection - I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Blame - When you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you.
Politics - In politics one comes with a brilliant future and leaves with a dark past.
Communism - I am a Marxist —of the Groucho tendency.
Arms & Weapons - An armed society is a polite society.
Countries & Nations - Sex in France is a comedy; in England it is a tragedy; in America it's a melodrama; in Italy it's an opera; in Germany, a reason to take up philosophy
Knowledge - An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.
Quotations - There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
History - Each time history repeats itself, the price goes up.
Philosophy - A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Theory - In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
Ideology - I am a Marxist —of the Groucho tendency.
Morality - If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Direction - When nothing is going right, go left.
Accomplishment - Getting something done is an accomplishment; getting something done right is an achievement.
- Getting something done is an accomplishment; getting something done right is an achievement.
Decisions - Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.
Being Busy - I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Doing - Getting something done is an accomplishment; getting something done right is an achievement.
- Getting something done is an accomplishment; getting something done right is an achievement.
Change - A baby makes love stronger, the days shorter, the nights longer, savings smaller, and a home happier.
Computers - Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
Adversity - When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Problems & Solutions - All easy problems have already been solved.
Career - In politics one comes with a brilliant future and leaves with a dark past.
Expertise - An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.
Business - When I hear artists... making fun of businessmen I think of a regiment in which the band makes fun of the cooks.
Sports & Games - If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Success & Failure - If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Happiness - If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Fame & Glory - The final test of fame is to have a crazy person imagine he is you.
Troubles - Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.
Suffering - A world without women? Certainly is a pain on each guys ass!
Danger - The sword of Damocles hangs above Pandora’s box.
Hunger - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Difference - In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
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