| Meaning of Life | |
 | Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 23 likes |
 | Life is a sexually transmitted disease. — Anonymous 16 likes |
 | I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different. — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 8 likes |
 | My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Human Being | |
 | We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. |
| Mankind | |
 | If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 8 likes |
 | Humanity is a disease of the earth. There are no humans on healthy planets. |
| Identity | |
| I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin, 1939-, American actress 6 likes |
| I'm in search of myself have you seen me anywhere? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| World | |
| The astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars. — Anonymous (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970) 6 likes |
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. — Anonymous 5 likes |
 | Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Conscience | |
 | When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 7 likes |
 | All that I have on my conscience I store away in my subconscious. — Zarko Petan, 1929-2014, Slovenian playwright & aphorist 2 likes |
| Life | |
 | Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. — Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter 8 likes |
 | I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Death | |
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 8 likes |
 | The report of my death was an exaggeration. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
 | I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name’s not there, I eat breakfast. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 6 likes |
| One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 5 likes |
 | I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 5 likes |
| How can I die? I’m booked. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
 | I read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. |
| Suicide | |
 | I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of killing myself. He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 16 likes |
| I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 14 likes |
| If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 11 likes |
| There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 7 likes |
| Paranormal | |
 | How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 6 likes |
| All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. — Anonymous 5 likes |
 | Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 5 likes |
| If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave. — Anonymous 4 likes |
| Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
 | If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it! — Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936 2 likes |
| If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Metaphysics | |
 | Newspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 6 likes |
| I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| Astrology | |
 | I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical. — Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer 15 likes |
| I believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Afterlife | |
| I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. |
| Religion | |
 | I found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce. — Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat 43 likes |
| The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
 | The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 11 likes |
 | Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 9 likes |
| If you value your safety, avoid holy places founded in the name of peace and brotherhood. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| On Friday, pious cannibals eat fishermen. |
| God | |
| There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them… But he loves you. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 7 likes |
| If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 5 likes |
 | In the beginning, God did not know that he was God, because he was completely alone. In order for one to know that is God, there must be two: one who will be God and another who will say, “My God.” — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 3 likes |
| Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 2 likes |
| Christianity | |
| If Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 23 likes |
| I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
 | Heaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination. — Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer 2 likes |
 | Alright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days. |
| If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. |
| Right & Wrong | |
 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 7 likes |
 | The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 6 likes |
| I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 6 likes |
 | She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress 3 likes |
| Prayer | |
| Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 7 likes |
 | I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, benzedrine or a bottle of Jack Daniel's. — Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer 5 likes |
| No matter how often I talk to God, he never tells me anything I didn’t already know. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Faith | |
| Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich. |
| Atheism | |
| Atheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 21 likes |
 | The gods that we've made are exactly the gods you'd expect to be made by a species that's about half a chromosome away from being chimpanzee. — Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer 7 likes |
| I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
| My dog is an atheist. He doesn’t believe in me anymore. — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 3 likes |
| Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| If God does not present himself to atheists, it is because he is afraid that they will convert him to atheism. — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 2 likes |
| Heaven | |
| If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Heaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination. — Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer 2 likes |
 | Heaven is full of idiots who believe they exist. — Wolinski, 1934-2015, French cartoonist 1 likes |
| Hell | |
 | Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 37 likes |
 | From the day that God put man in the presence of woman, paradise became hell. |
| The Truth | |
| Speak nothing but the truth, and you'll soon be considered dangerous. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Timing | |
| – You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. – What mood is that? – Last-minute panic. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Time | |
| The speed of time is one second per second. — Anonymous 6 likes |
 | Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 4 likes |
| If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Duration | |
| Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 5 likes |
 | If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. — Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer 4 likes |
| I'm glad life is short. I find it very reassuring. I have a phobia of things that never end. — Wolinski, 1934-2015, French cartoonist 1 likes |
| Past | |
| When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
 | We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it. — P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer 3 likes |
| Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Origin | |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? — Anonymous 5 likes |
| If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? — Anonymous 4 likes |
| What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Future | |
| The future will soon be a thing of the past. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
 | In the next century it will be the early mechanical bird which get the first plastic worm out of the artificial grass. |
| I have seen the future! Go back! — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | The future shows me its rotten teeth. |
| Childhood | |
| I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up”. — Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian 5 likes |
| Age | |
 | Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. — Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian 5 likes |
| She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. — Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian 2 likes |
| Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to! |
| “A man's true age is what he feels inside.” Then I'm dead. |
| Youth | |
| – Youth unemployment has increased. – What the hell, don't they ever get old? — Altan, 1942-, Italian comics artist & satirist 2 likes |
| Old Age | |
| You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 13 likes |
 | Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 8 likes |
| At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 6 likes |
| If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 6 likes |
 | You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
 | The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian 5 likes |
| How young can you die of old age? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
| You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
 | An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie, 1890-1976, British writer 1 likes |
| You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. |
| By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. |
| Procrastination | |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 7 likes |
| Haste & Delay | |
 | I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. — Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist 6 likes |
| The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| Speed | |
| Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 16 likes |
| Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 14 likes |
| The speed of time is one second per second. — Anonymous 6 likes |
| What is the speed of dark? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 2 likes |
| Ending | |
| What keeps me alive is that I don’t want to miss the end of the world. — Altan, 1942-, Italian comics artist & satirist 2 likes |
| I'm glad life is short. I find it very reassuring. I have a phobia of things that never end. — Wolinski, 1934-2015, French cartoonist 1 likes |
| Misunderstanding | |
 | They misunderestimated me. — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 7 likes |
| Beethoven was so deaf that all his life he believed he was painting. — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 2 likes |
| Learning | |
| I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid, when it's the kids who have to do all the work. |
| People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong. |
| By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. |
| I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Sleep | |
| That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 19 likes |
| I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.” — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 9 likes |
| Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 6 likes |
| I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 5 likes |
| I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 4 likes |
| Void | |
| Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Distance | |
| Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 5 likes |
 | Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. — Steve Martin, 1945-, American actor 4 likes |
 | If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 2 likes |
| Europe is moving closer to America by one centimeter per century. Yet the price of the crossing remains the same. — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 2 likes |
| On the neck of a giraffe a flea begins to believe in immortality. |
| Proximity | |
| At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 6 likes |
| Mirror | |
| You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| Holes | |
| I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| Travel | |
| Europe is moving closer to America by one centimeter per century. Yet the price of the crossing remains the same. — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 2 likes |
| Absence | |
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Housework | |
| Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 4 likes |
| Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
 | I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress 3 likes |
| I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 2 likes |
| House | |
| A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 7 likes |
| I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress 3 likes |
| Beginning | |
| Women are like cigars: the first few puffs are the best. — Wolinski, 1934-2015, French cartoonist 3 likes |
| Adam was not only the first man. He was the first cuckold. |
| Difference | |
| In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is. — Anonymous 3 likes |
| Similarity | |
 | The reason some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures. |
| Injustice | |
| It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| Opposites | |
| Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite. — Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist 8 likes |
| Contradictions | |
| How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
| I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| New | |
| What we need now is some new, fresh clichés. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 4 likes |
| I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Confusion | |
 | The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. — Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist 6 likes |
| Relativity | |
| Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 25 likes |
| I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
| Excess | |
| The report of my death was an exaggeration. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
| If I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School. |
| Rules | |
 | There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer 2 likes |
| The Four Rules of Life: 1. Show Up 2. Pay Attention 3.Tell the Truth 4. Don't be upset at the results. |
| Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
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