| Meaning of Life | |
 | Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 23 likes |
 | Life is a sexually transmitted disease. — Anonymous 16 likes |
 | I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different. — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 8 likes |
 | My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Mankind | |
 | If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 8 likes |
 | Humanity is a disease of the earth. There are no humans on healthy planets. |
| Identity | |
 | I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin, 1939-, American actress 6 likes |
| I'm in search of myself have you seen me anywhere? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| World | |
| The astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars. — Anonymous (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970) 6 likes |
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. — Anonymous 5 likes |
 | Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Conscience | |
 | When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 7 likes |
| Life | |
 | I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
 | Everything has been figured out, except how to live. — Jean-Paul Sartre, 1905-1980, French philosopher 7 likes |
 | Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. — Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter 8 likes |
| Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Death | |
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 8 likes |
 | The report of my death was an exaggeration. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
| One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. — Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer 5 likes |
 | I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 5 likes |
 | How can I die? I'm booked. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
| I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 6 likes |
 | The man who dies by drowning sees his whole life pass by in a flash, when it would be better to just swim. |
 | I read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. |
| Suicide | |
| If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 11 likes |
| I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 14 likes |
| There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 7 likes |
 | I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of killing myself. He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 16 likes |
| Paranormal | |
 | How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 6 likes |
| All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. — Anonymous 5 likes |
 | If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it! — Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936 2 likes |
| If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave. — Anonymous 4 likes |
 | Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 5 likes |
| Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Metaphysics | |
| I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
 | Newspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 6 likes |
| Astrology | |
 | I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical. — Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer 15 likes |
| I believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Afterlife | |
| I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant. |
| Religion | |
| The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
 | The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 11 likes |
 | Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 9 likes |
 | I found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce. — Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat 43 likes |
| If you value your safety, avoid holy places founded in the name of peace and brotherhood. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| God | |
| If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 7 likes |
| There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them… But he loves you. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 5 likes |
| Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 2 likes |
| Christianity | |
| I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| If Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 23 likes |
 | Heaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination. — Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer 2 likes |
 | Alright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days. |
| If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. |
| Right & Wrong | |
 | The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 6 likes |
 | She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress 3 likes |
 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 7 likes |
| I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 6 likes |
| Prayer | |
| Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 7 likes |
| No matter how often I talk to God, he never tells me anything I didn’t already know. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, benzedrine or a bottle of Jack Daniel's. — Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer 5 likes |
| Faith | |
| Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich. |
| Atheism | |
| Atheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 21 likes |
| I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
| Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | The gods that we've made are exactly the gods you'd expect to be made by a species that's about half a chromosome away from being chimpanzee. — Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer 7 likes |
| Heaven | |
| If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Heaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination. — Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer 2 likes |
| Hell | |
 | Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 37 likes |
 | From the day that God put man in the presence of woman, paradise became hell. |
| The Truth | |
| Speak nothing but the truth, and you'll soon be considered dangerous. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Timing | |
| – You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. – What mood is that? – Last-minute panic. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Time | |
| The speed of time is one second per second. — Anonymous 6 likes |
| If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
 | Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 4 likes |
| Duration | |
 | If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. — Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer 4 likes |
| Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 5 likes |
| Past | |
| When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
| Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it. — P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer 3 likes |
| Origin | |
| If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? — Anonymous 4 likes |
| What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? — Anonymous 5 likes |
| Future | |
| The future will soon be a thing of the past. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
 | In the next century it will be the early mechanical bird which get the first plastic worm out of the artificial grass. |
| I have seen the future! Go back! — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Childhood | |
| I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up”. — Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian 5 likes |
| Age | |
 | Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. — Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian 5 likes |
| Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to! |
| Old Age | |
| At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 6 likes |
| How young can you die of old age? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 6 likes |
| You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 13 likes |
| Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
 | You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
 | The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian 5 likes |
| By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. |
 | Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 8 likes |
 | An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie, 1890-1976, British writer 1 likes |
| Procrastination | |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 7 likes |
| Haste & Delay | |
 | I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. — Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist 6 likes |
| The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| Speed | |
| Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 16 likes |
| What is the speed of dark? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 2 likes |
| I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 2 likes |
| Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 14 likes |
| Misunderstanding | |
 | They misunderestimated me. — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 7 likes |
| Learning | |
| I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong. |
| By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. |
| I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Sleep | |
| I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 5 likes |
| I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 4 likes |
| That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 19 likes |
| Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 6 likes |
| I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.” — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 9 likes |
| Void | |
| Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
| Distance | |
| Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 5 likes |
 | Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. — Steve Martin, 1945-, American actor 4 likes |
 | If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 2 likes |
| On the neck of a giraffe a flea begins to believe in immortality. |
| Proximity | |
| At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 6 likes |
| Mirror | |
| You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| Holes | |
| I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| Absence | |
| It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
| Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Housework | |
| Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 4 likes |
| I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 2 likes |
| Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
 | I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress 3 likes |
| House | |
| A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 7 likes |
| I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress 3 likes |
| Similarity | |
 | The reason some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures. |
| Injustice | |
| It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| Opposites | |
| Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite. — Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist 8 likes |
| Contradictions | |
| How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
| I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| New | |
| What we need now is some new, fresh clichés. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 4 likes |
| I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Confusion | |
 | The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. — Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist 6 likes |
| Relativity | |
| Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 25 likes |
| I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
| Excess | |
| The report of my death was an exaggeration. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
| If I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School. |
| Rules | |
 | There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer 2 likes |
| The Four Rules of Life: 1. Show Up 2. Pay Attention 3.Tell the Truth 4. Don't be upset at the results. |
| Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
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