Quotes by
Rodney Dangerfield |
1924-2004 , American comedian
American stand-up comedian, actor, producer and screenwriter known for the catchphrase “I don't get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School.
| 34 quotes | 3,712 visits |
Quotations
| • | At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t. 6 |
Funny Quotes
| • | I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of killing myself. He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. 16 |
| • | My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 10 |
| • | I asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.” 9 |
| • | I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West. 8 |
| • | One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.” 8 |
| • | My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. 7 |
| • | What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. 7 |
| • | If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. 7 |
| • | My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. 7 |
| • | My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. 6 |
| • | When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 6 |
| • | A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. 6 |
| • | I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet. 5 |
| • | I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. 5 |
| • | The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. 5 |
| • | I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. 5 |
| • | My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 5 |
| • | I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. 5 |
| • | My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. 5 |
| • | I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year. 5 |
| • | I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. 4 |
| • | My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. 4 |
| • | When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. 4 |
| • | Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence. 4 |
| • | I’m so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 4 |
| • | When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. 4 |
| • | I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. 3 |
| • | Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 3 |
| • | I bought a book, “How to make it big.” I got ripped off. It was about money. 3 |
| • | This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 3 |
| • | I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. 2 |
| • | This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me. 2 |
| • | We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. 2 |
