Quotes by
Jerry Seinfeld |
1954- , American comedian
American comedian, actor, writer, producer and director who is best known for portraying a semifictional version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld (1989-1998) on NBC. | 33 quotes | 1,976 visits |
Quotations
| • | People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. 17 |
| • | The advice I would give the younger me—or any young person—would be “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.” 7 |
| • | You need talent, you need brains, and you need confidence. Those are the three things you need to do virtually anything. Confidence is a fascinating commodity. There’s no upper limit on the usefulness of it, as long as it doesn’t bleed into arrogance. 5 |
| • | The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. 4 |
| • | Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. 4 |
| • | Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. 4 |
| • | Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. 3 |
| • | It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 3 |
| • | No one is more judged in civilized society than the stand-up comedian. Every twelve seconds, you're rated. |
| • | When you want to enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way. |
| • | There is absolutely nothing you can do on a date to help you feel better about the tremendously uncomfortable situation you're in. And the reason it's uncomfortable is that no one's on the date for the date. They're on the date to see what's going to happen at the end of the date. |
| • | The fact is: almost everything is funny. You just have to have a way of looking at it. |
| • | To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. |
| • | A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. |
| • | If you have something, anything, an ability of some kind, you want to use it. That, I think, is the essence of human living … The idea is to do more in life … Money is nice, but it’s not what really makes you feel good. |
| • | There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. |
| • | If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. |
Funny Quotes
| • | Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. 5 |
| • | My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. 4 |
| • | What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? 4 |
| • | Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. 4 |
| • | A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. 4 |
| • | People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals. 4 |
| • | If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 3 |
| • | When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination. Driving as an act of pure hostility. |
| • | Neat and clean. That's the way I want to live. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise: big chair, nice TV, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. |
| • | If we really stuck with the classic Greek priorities, a sound mind in a sound body, the only two places we'd ever go is to a library or a gym. |
| • | Maybe comets killed the dinosaurs, maybe they tripped and fell. What's the difference? We'll never know. We couldn't solve the Kennedy Assassination, we had films of that. Good luck with the Stegosaurus. |
| • | Don't you hate “To Be Continued”s on TV? I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life. |
| • | What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? |
| • | I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. |
| • | I read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. |
| • | She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me. |
