| Ideals | |
 | For me, it's always easy to choose between the Ultimate, the Infinite, and the Chocolate. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | Everybody wants to save the world but nobody wants to help mom with the dishes. |
| Goals | |
 | I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin, 1939-, American actress 6 likes |
 | I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Direction | |
 | You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 4 likes |
 | Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 4 likes |
 | When nothing is going right, go left. — Anonymous 3 likes |
| Dreams | |
 | That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 19 likes |
 | When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? — Bill Cosby, 1937-, American comedian 4 likes |
 | I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
| I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
 | He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Ambition | |
 | My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt 7 likes |
| Desire | |
| All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | For years I've nursed a secret desire to spend the Fourth of July in a double hammock with a swingin' redheaded broad … but I could never find me a double hammock. |
| Options | |
 | I want a one-armed economist, that way he cannot say, “on the other hand”. — Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953] 6 likes |
| Security | |
| Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
 | You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Promises | |
| The Democrats said, “We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.” |
| Choices | |
| We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it. — P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer 3 likes |
| For me, it's always easy to choose between the Ultimate, the Infinite, and the Chocolate. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Vain Effort | |
 | The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son |
| Quitting | |
 | Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
| Searching | |
| I'm in search of myself have you seen me anywhere? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Being Busy | |
 | How can I die? I’m booked. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
| Experience | |
| Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 8 likes |
 | I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. — Oscar Levant, 1906-1972, American pianist 6 likes |
| Change | |
| Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 17 likes |
 | The caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the pig becomes a sausage, it is a great law of nature. |
| Readiness | |
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
| Persistence | |
 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 7 likes |
| Multitasking | |
 | If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? |
| Opportunity | |
| We want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Creativity | |
 | To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. — Wilson Mizner, 1876-1913, American playwright 3 likes |
| – You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. – What mood is that? – Last-minute panic. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| Ideas | |
 | I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 2 likes |
| Computers | |
 | User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 8 likes |
 | A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. — Emo Philips, 1956-, American comedian 5 likes |
| Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies. — Anonymous 2 likes |
 | Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page. |
| My computer must be broken: whenever I ask a wrong question, it gives a wrong answer. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
 | The doctor told me that I must exercise that is why I began to surf the internet |
| Adversity | |
 | I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up”. — Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian 5 likes |
| Problems & Solutions | |
| I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 7 likes |
| There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 7 likes |
| I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
 | The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree — Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian 4 likes |
| It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Help | |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| Duty | |
 | Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 5 likes |
| Synergies | |
| Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 6 likes |
| My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
| In the beginning, God did not know that he was God, because he was completely alone. In order for one to know that is God, there must be two: one who will be God and another who will say, “My God.” — François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist 3 likes |
| Teamwork | |
| A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 6 likes |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job. — Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach 2 likes |
| Work | |
 | A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. — Fats Domino, 1928-2017, American singer & pianist 6 likes |
 | The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. — Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish writer 4 likes |
 | My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 3 likes |
 | – Youth unemployment has increased. – What the hell, don't they ever get old? — Altan, 1942-, Italian comics artist & satirist 2 likes |
| Doctors | |
| I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 8 likes |
| Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 7 likes |
| I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
 | The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 4 likes |
| When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Medicine: “Your money and your life!” — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 3 likes |
 | First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
| Expertise | |
| An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing. — Anonymous 5 likes |
| What I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Exploitation | |
 | Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite. — Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist 8 likes |
| Leadership | |
 | I always have the last word in my house and that word is usually “yes.” — Jules Renard, 1864-1910, French writer 4 likes |
| Economy | |
 | The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. — Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist 6 likes |
| I want a one-armed economist, that way he cannot say, “on the other hand”. — Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953] 6 likes |
 | I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 3 likes |
| To the Tax Office: All is over between us. Please don't attempt to communicate with me again. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Bureaucracy | |
| Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 3 likes |
| Business | |
 | A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation. — Howard Scott, 1890-1970, American engineer 11 likes |
| A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 2 likes |
| Selling | |
 | If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Money | |
| If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 5 likes |
| I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by four o'clock. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
| If money does not make you happy, give it to me. — Jules Renard, 1864-1910, French writer 4 likes |
| People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals. — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 4 likes |
| All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. — Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian 3 likes |
| A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 3 likes |
 | I bought a book, “How to make it big.” I got ripped off. It was about money. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
| Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it! — Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936 2 likes |
| Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks – it says, “Goodbye.” |
| Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. |
 | To become rich you need three things: intelligence, talent, and a lot of money. |
| I despise money, especially small change. |
| The Rich | |
 | A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. |
| Property | |
| You can't have everything ... where would you put it. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Cars | |
| Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 16 likes |
| There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. — P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer 6 likes |
| Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 3 likes |
| If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 2 likes |
| When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination. Driving as an act of pure hostility. |
| Cost & Price | |
| I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| Waste | |
| I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. |
| When you peel onions, you have to think of someone you love who has died, otherwise these are wasted tears. |
| Measurements | |
| It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 5 likes |
| When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| Debt & Borrowing | |
| Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. — Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish writer 3 likes |
| Corruption | |
| The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| We want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 5 likes |
| Food | |
| “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 6 likes |
 | The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. — Julia Child, 1912-2004, American chef, author & TV personality. 5 likes |
| I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
| I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 3 likes |
| Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. |
| Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch. |
| On Friday, pious cannibals eat fishermen. |
| Reality | |
| I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Reality continues to ruin my life. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Reality continues to ruin my life. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Gambling | |
| The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks – it says, “Goodbye.” |
| Sports & Games | |
| The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 6 likes |
| I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 6 likes |
| Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 5 likes |
| Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 5 likes |
| The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 5 likes |
| Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 5 likes |
| If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Anonymous 5 likes |
| I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
| Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 3 likes |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 3 likes |
| Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| The doctor told me that I must exercise that is why I began to surf the internet |
| Hobbies | |
| There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 3 likes |
| I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 2 likes |
| Feasts | |
 | Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to! |
| Holidays | |
| I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 5 likes |
| Cooking | |
| The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. — Julia Child, 1912-2004, American chef, author & TV personality. 5 likes |
 | There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. — Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet 3 likes |
| Our vet told us that because of my cooking our cat has only two lives left. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. |
| Drinking | |
| Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 10 likes |
| My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 7 likes |
 | I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. — Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist 6 likes |
| It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
| My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
 | A hangover is the wrath of grapes. — Dorothy Parker, 1893-1967, American writer, poet, satirist, critic 3 likes |
 | Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 3 likes |
| I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. |
| I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. |
| A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. |
| Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. |
| Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. |
| The only torment that cannot be forgotten by indulging in drink is the urge to piss. |
| Smoking | |
| Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 6 likes |
| Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 6 likes |
 | Women are like cigars: the first few puffs are the best. — Wolinski, 1934-2015, French cartoonist 3 likes |
| I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 2 likes |
| Drugs | |
| Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 7 likes |
| I’m addicted to placebos. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
| Cinema | |
| Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | For me, the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake. — Alfred Hitchcock, 1899-1980, British film director 2 likes |
| I saw a very old movie. The leading lady said “no.” — Alfred Hitchcock, 1899-1980, British film director 1 likes |
 | A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. |
| Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood. |
| Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor he just tears him up. |
| Theater | |
| If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| Cause & Effect | |
| Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| Facts | |
| Maybe comets killed the dinosaurs, maybe they tripped and fell. What's the difference? We'll never know. We couldn't solve the Kennedy Assassination, we had films of that. Good luck with the Stegosaurus. |
| Success & Failure | |
| If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Anonymous 5 likes |
| If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. — Anonymous 5 likes |
| If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Eighty percent of success is showing up. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Win & Lose | |
| When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 7 likes |
| A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. — Emo Philips, 1956-, American comedian 5 likes |
| You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 3 likes |
| Reward | |
| I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Punishment | |
 | I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. — Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer 4 likes |
| Happiness | |
| My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 4 likes |
| All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. — Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian 3 likes |
| If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? — Anonymous 3 likes |
| I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. — Steve Martin, 1945-, American actor 2 likes |
| Perfection | |
| In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody's perfect,” so then I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 5 likes |
| If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 2 likes |
| Rise & Decline | |
 | She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. — Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress 3 likes |
| Progress | |
| Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be. |
| Victory & Defeat | |
| Even Napoleon had his Watergate. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 3 likes |
| Slavery | |
| Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 4 likes |
| Control | |
| If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. |
| Fame & Glory | |
| You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 4 likes |
| A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Acknowledgment | |
| It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 11 likes |
| As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 8 likes |
| Loss | |
| The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?” — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 7 likes |
| Uncertainty | |
| Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Predictions | |
| It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 4 likes |
| – The world has no future anymore! – Oh, great! So, we can relax a bit now. — Altan, 1942-, Italian comics artist & satirist 1 likes |
| Troubles | |
| What happened to you could have been worse – it could have happened to me. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| The only torment that cannot be forgotten by indulging in drink is the urge to piss. |
| Suffering | |
| A world without women? Certainly is a pain on each guys ass! — Anonymous 6 likes |
| Crisis | |
| I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 5 likes |
 | The British have a remarkable talent for keeping calm, even when there is no crisis. |
| Danger | |
| He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower. |
| If you value your safety, avoid holy places founded in the name of peace and brotherhood. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| They always say that when a ship is about to sink in the open sea, rats sense the danger long before men do and all run away together. Question: where can they go? |
| Poverty | |
| We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 2 likes |
 | When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes. |
| Hunger | |
| Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. — Anonymous 10 likes |
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