Quotes by
Henry Youngman |
1906-1998 , American comedian
American comedian and violinist, born to a Jewish family in London, famous for his mastery of the “one-liner.” | 17 quotes | 1,564 visits |
Funny Quotes
| • | A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 8 |
| • | When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. 7 |
| • | I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 5 |
| • | I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. 5 |
| • | I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. 5 |
| • | I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 5 |
| • | I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by four o'clock. 4 |
| • | The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. 4 |
| • | You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. 4 |
| • | She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. 4 |
| • | When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. 4 |
| • | My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? 3 |
| • | When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading. 3 |
| • | My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. 3 |
| • | The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. 3 |
| • | This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. 3 |
| • | My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. 3 |
