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Funny Quotes

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Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

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  Environment
George CarlinThe planet is fine. The people are fucked.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Steven WrightWhat do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Weather
George CarlinWeather forecast for tonight: dark.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Donald TrumpIt’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!

—  Donald Trump, 1946-, President of the USA

  
  Shadow
Steven WrightI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Sea
Spike MilliganThe best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree

—  Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian

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Steven WrightI have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Steven WrightHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Night
Steven WrightThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?”

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Darkness
George CarlinWeather forecast for tonight: dark.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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George CarlinThey say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Steven WrightWhat is the speed of dark?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Animals
AnonymousIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

—  Anonymous

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Fred AllenCondensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Plants
Mitch HedbergMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

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Jerry SeinfeldWhat are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

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  Dogs
Rodney DangerfieldI tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

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Groucho MarxOutside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

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Mitch HedbergDogs are forever in the push up position.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

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Rodney DangerfieldSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

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Laurence J PeterNoblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

  
  Horses
Henry YoungmanThe horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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  Birds
Steven WrightEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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2017: Manolis Papathanassiou