The Best Quotations


My "other" sites:

Quotes by

Rodney Dangerfield

1924-2004 ,  American comedian
Rodney DangerfieldAmerican stand-up comedian, actor, producer and screenwriter known for the catchphrase “I don't get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme.
He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School.

19 quotes62 visits

Funny Quotes

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.


Similar sources

 George Carlin

 George Burns

 Henry Youngman

 Fred Allen

 Groucho Marx

 Mitch Hedberg

 Phyllis Diller

Creative Commons License    This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License

2017: Manolis Papathanassiou