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George Carlin

1936-2008 ,  American comedian
George Carlin One of the greatest American stand-up comedians. Also, a social critic, actor and author. He was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects.
Carlin and his “Seven dirty words” comedy routine were central to a 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case in which a 5–4 decision gave the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) the right to determine when to censor radio and TV broadcasts.

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Religion is just mind control.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

Life is a zero sum game.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Everyone smiles in the same language

It's never just a game when you're winning

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Funny Quotes

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them… But he loves you.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?


Similar sources

 George Burns

 Henry Youngman

 Fred Allen

 Groucho Marx

 Mitch Hedberg

 Phyllis Diller

 Rodney Dangerfield

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