quotes

The Best Quotations

www.best-quotations.com
 
 


My "other" sites:



other pages

Funny Quotes

Laughing

Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

page 5 of 6

  Direction
Yogi BerraYou’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

Woody AllenCan we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Dreams
Bill CosbyWhen they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?

—  Bill Cosby, 1937-, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinThat's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Mitch HedbergI'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenHe dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Options
Harry TrumanI want a one-armed economist, that way he cannot say, 'on the other hand'.

—  Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953]

  
  Security
Steven WrightWhy don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Phyllis DillerYou know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Quitting
Mark TwainGiving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Experience
Oscar LevantI've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

—  Oscar Levant, 1906-1972, American pianist

1 likes
Woody AllenSex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Change
Mark TwainPoliticians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Readiness
George CarlinI was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Persistence
Laurence J PeterIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

  
  Creativity
Wilson MiznerTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

—  Wilson Mizner, 1876-1913, American playwright

1 likes
  
  Solutions
Spike MilliganThe best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree

—  Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian

1 likes
Steven WrightI couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Woody AllenThere have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Ideas
Sam GoldwynI had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Computers
Dave BarryUser: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Emo PhilipsA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

—  Emo Philips, 1956-, American comedian

1 likes
AnonymousArtificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.

—  Anonymous

AnonymousI tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'. It said my password wasn't long enough.

—  Anonymous

  
  Help
George CarlinI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Synergies
Mitch HedbergMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Dave BarryNever under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Teamwork
Steven WrightIf one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenA committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Fred AllenA committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Lou HoltzOn this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job.

—  Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach

  
  Work
Henry YoungmanMy brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Mark TwainI do not like work even when someone else is doing it.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Doctors
Jay LenoThe New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

1 likes
George CarlinIsn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinI wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanWhen I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Karl KrausMedicine: “Your money and your life!”

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

  
  Expertise
AnonymousAn expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
  
  Leadership
Bill ClintonBeing president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.

—  Bill Clinton, 1946-, American President [1992-2000]

1 likes
Jules RenardI always have the last word in my house and that word is usually “yes.”

—  Jules Renard, 1864-1910, French writer

  
  Economy
Albert EinsteinThe hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.

—  Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist

Harry TrumanI want a one-armed economist, that way he cannot say, 'on the other hand'.

—  Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953]

  
  Bureaucracy
Laurence J PeterEgypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

  
  Business
Sam GoldwynA verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

Howard ScottA criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.

—  Howard Scott, 1890-1970, American engineer

  
  Sales
Jerry SeinfeldIf a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Money
Spike MilliganAll I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

—  Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanI've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by four o'clock.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Woody AllenMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Woody AllenIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Yogi BerraA nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

Jules RenardIf money does not make you happy, give it to me.

—  Jules Renard, 1864-1910, French writer

Eugene O’NeillIf dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

—  Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936

  
  Property
Steven WrightYou can't have everything ... where would you put it.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Cars
George CarlinHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Dave BarryAuto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Cost & Price
Woody AllenI was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Measurements
Steven WrightIt doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Debt
Oscar WildeAlways borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

—  Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish writer

  
  Corruption
Rodney DangerfieldThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Food
Julia ChildThe only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.

—  Julia Child, 1912-2004, American chef, author & TV personality.

1 likes
George Carlin“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Mitch HedbergRice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Yogi BerraYou better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

Woody AllenWhy does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Phyllis DillerOur vet told us that because of my cooking our cat has only two lives left.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerDo not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerI asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Reality
Woody AllenI hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Games & Play
Steven WrightI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Gambling
Henry YoungmanThe horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Sports
George CarlinSwimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Mitch HedbergThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Mitch HedbergI saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Dave BarryAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Dave BarryThe problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Dave BarryAuto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Dave BarryHave you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
AnonymousIf at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Steven WrightIf one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
George BurnsI never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Phyllis DillerThe reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Hobbies
Dave BarryFishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Steven WrightI have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Steven WrightThere is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Holidays
Henry YoungmanI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Drinking
Rodney DangerfieldMy doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Robert BenchleyI know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

—  Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist

1 likes
Steven WrightDrink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

Henry YoungmanMy dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanWhen I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanMy Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Dorothy ParkerA hangover is the wrath of grapes.

—  Dorothy Parker, 1893-1967, American writer, poet, satirist, critic

Ambrose BierceBacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

George BurnsIt takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Smoking
George CarlinIsn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Mark TwainGiving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Drugs
George CarlinEventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Mitch HedbergI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Cinema
Fred AllenHollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Theater
George CarlinIf all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Cause & Effect
George CarlinHere's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Success & Failure
Jerry SeinfeldIf a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

1 likes
AnonymousIf at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
AnonymousIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Woody AllenEighty percent of success is showing up.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Reward
Woody AllenI think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Punishment
Gore VidalI'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

  
  Happiness
Spike MilliganAll I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

—  Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
George BurnsHappiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Perfection
Steven WrightIn school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody's perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Yogi BerraIf the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Rise & Decline
Mae WestShe's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

—  Mae West, 1892-1980, American actress

1 likes
  
  Victory & Defeat
Yogi BerraEven Napoleon had his Watergate.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Fame & Glory
Jay LenoYou aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

1 likes
Fred AllenA celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Acknowledgment
George CarlinAs soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinIt isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Loss
Steven WrightThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?”

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Crisis
Ronald ReaganI have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

1 likes
  
  Hunger
AnonymousMen have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
  

page 5 of 6










comments






Laughing

 
relative quote
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
Goethe









 
Creative Commons License    This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License

2017: Manolis Papathanassiou