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  Government
Ronald ReaganGovernment is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

Charles de GaulleHow can you govern a country which has two hundred and forty-six varieties of cheese?

—  Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President

  
  Justice
Robert FrostA jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

—  Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet

  
  Laws
Fred AllenI learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Power
George CarlinI have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Politics
George CarlinIn America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Mark TwainPoliticians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Ronald ReaganIt has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

Ronald ReaganI have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

George BurnsToo bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Democracy
Ambrose BierceVote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Communism
AnonymousI am a Marxist —of the Groucho tendency.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Ronald ReaganSocialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

  
  Noncompliance
Steven WrightI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Violence
George CarlinIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenMy father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Crime
Woody AllenI think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Cities
Fred AllenI have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Crowds
Yogi BerraNo one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  War & Peace
Ambrose BierceWar is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Arms
Mae WestIs that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

—  Mae West, 1892-1980, American actress

     (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s)

1 likes
Dave BarryThe metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Americans
George CarlinThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinIn America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Dave BarryThe metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Dave LettermanAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

1 likes
Ambrose BierceUn-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

TalleyrandI found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce.

—  Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat

  
  Jews
Laurence J PeterEgypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

  
  Russia
Woody AllenI took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Communication
Sam GoldwynIf you have a message, call western union.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

Fred AllenRadio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Information
George CarlinThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Journalism
Karl KrausNewspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

Lyndon JohnsonIf one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can't Swim”.

—  Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969]

  
  Photography
Mitch HedbergOne time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Steven WrightEveryone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Phyllis DillerMy photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Television
Groucho MarxI find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
Jerry SeinfeldMen don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinIn TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

Kurt VonnegutOne of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

Fred AllenImitation is the sincerest form of television.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Fred AllenTelevision is a medium because anything well done is rare.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Fred AllenTelevision is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Advertisement
Mitch HedbergWhen someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenAn advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Questions
Woody AllenI don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Charles de GaulleGentlemen, I am ready for the questions to my answers.

—  Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President

George CarlinWhen will all the rhetorical questions end?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

  
  Truth & Lies
Yogi BerraI never said most of the things I said.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Words
Gore VidalThe four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

1 likes
  
  Language
Mark TwainIn Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Knowledge
AnonymousAn expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Isaac AsimovThose people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

—  Isaac Asimov, 1920-1992, American Sci-Fi writer

  
  Art
Steven WrightI went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Ambrose BiercePainting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Music
Robert BenchleyOpera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

—  Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist

1 likes
George CarlinThe only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Woody AllenI can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Imagination
Karl KrausA woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

  
  Poetry
Steven WrightI was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
G. K. ChestertonPoets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

—  G. K. Chesterton, 1874-1936, English writer & critic

  
  Writing
Steven WrightI'm writing an unauthorized autobiography

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Wilson MiznerTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

—  Wilson Mizner, 1876-1913, American playwright

1 likes
Somerset MaughamThere are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

—  Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer

  
  Books
Groucho MarxFrom the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
Woody AllenI took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Fred AllenI can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Arthur ClarkeNo trilogy should have more than four books.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

George W. BushI have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

—  George W. Bush, 1946-, American President

  
  Quotations
AnonymousThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
  
  Science
AnonymousIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

—  Anonymous

1 likes
  
  Mythology
Ambrose BierceBacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Thinking
George CarlinI think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Philosophy
Kurt Vonnegut"To be is to do" - Socrates
"To do is to be" - Sartre
"Do Be Do Be Do" - Sinatra

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

1 likes
  
  Theory
Yogi BerraIn theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Hypotheses
Steven WrightIf warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Jay LenoIf God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

1 likes
Mark TwainIf Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Yogi BerraYou wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Morality
AnonymousIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

—  Anonymous

  

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