quotes

The Best Quotations

best-quotations.com
 
 

My "other" sites:



other pages

Funny Quotes

Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

page 3 of 6

  Relationships
Mitch HedbergI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Neighbors
Rodney DangerfieldI came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Love
Phyllis DillerI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

3 likes
Fran LebowitzIf you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.

—  Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer

4 likes
  
  Kiss
Lou HoltzThey say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.

—  Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach

3 likes
Marcel AchardHigh heels were invented by a woman who was always kissed on the forehead!

—  Marcel Achard, 1899-1974, French playwright

  
  Men & Women
George CarlinHere's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

14 likes
Katharine WhitehornOutside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

—  Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-2021, British columnist

8 likes
AnonymousIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

—  Anonymous

7 likes
Henry YoungmanI take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

5 likes
Milton BerleThe problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

—  Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian

5 likes
Henri JeansonFrom the day that God put man in the presence of woman, paradise became hell.

—  Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist

Agatha ChristieAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

—  Agatha Christie, 1890-1976, British writer

1 likes
  
  Seduction
Steven WrightDrink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

10 likes
  
  Eroticism
Mae WestIs that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

—  Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress

     (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s)

7 likes
Mae WestI've been in more laps than a napkin.

—  Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress

7 likes
Groucho MarxAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

8 likes
Gore VidalI'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

4 likes
P.J. O’ RourkeThere are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

6 likes
  
  Sex
AnonymousMen have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

—  Anonymous

10 likes
AnonymousLife is a sexually transmitted disease.

—  Anonymous

16 likes
Rodney DangerfieldWhat a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

7 likes
Rodney DangerfieldIf it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

7 likes
Oscar LevantNow that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her.

—  Oscar Levant, 1906-1972, American pianist

4 likes
Katharine WhitehornOutside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

—  Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-2021, British columnist

8 likes
Woody AllenI don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

4 likes
Woody AllenLove is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

8 likes
Woody AllenIs sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

5 likes
Woody AllenSex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

8 likes
Woody AllenSex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

6 likes
George BurnsI can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

5 likes
George BurnsSex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

5 likes
Karl KrausA woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

6 likes
Woody AllenHaving sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

6 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.”

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

9 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
Lenny BruceChildren ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

Henry MillerSex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant.

—  Henry Miller, 1891-1980, American writer

Jerry SeinfeldSex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

5 likes
Frank SinatraIf I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School.

—  Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer

  
  Prostitution
Ronald ReaganIt has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

13 likes
  
  Homosexuality
Woody AllenBisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

3 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Marriage
AnonymousDon't get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.

—  Anonymous

12 likes
Jay LenoDon't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

4 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

4 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMarriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

4 likes
Henry YoungmanThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

4 likes
Henry YoungmanShe's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

4 likes
Ambrose BierceMarriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

4 likes
Robin WilliamsAh, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

—  Robin Williams, 1951-2014, American actor

6 likes
Georges FeydeauIf we could see how women would look twenty years later, we would not marry them twenty years before.

—  Georges Feydeau, 1862-1921, French playwright

9 likes
Kin HubbardNobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

—  Kin Hubbard, 1868-1930, American cartoonist

Terry PratchettA marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

—  Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer

  
  Adultery
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

6 likes
Henry YoungmanI've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

5 likes
Sacha GuitryWhen a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.

—  Sacha Guitry, 1885-1957, French writer

6 likes
Rodney DangerfieldOne day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

8 likes
Lenny BruceMy mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Parents
Jerry SeinfeldMy parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

4 likes
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

6 likes
Fred AllenMy father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Family
George BurnsHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

3 likes
Zsa Zsa GaborI believe in large families: every woman should have at least three husbands.

—  Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress

3 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantIf you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Woman
Marcel AchardWomen have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

—  Marcel Achard, 1899-1974, French playwright

  
  Children
Phyllis DillerWe spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years teaching them to sit down and shut up.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

7 likes
Phyllis DillerAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

4 likes
Phyllis DillerI still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

3 likes
Jerry SeinfeldA two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

4 likes
Marcel AchardSome believe that genius is inherited. The others have no children.

—  Marcel Achard, 1899-1974, French playwright

Franklin P. JonesYou can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

—  Franklin P. Jones, 1908-1980, American columnist

  
  Friendship
Steven WrightIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

4 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantA good friend is worth pursuing
but why would a good friend be running away?

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Conversation
Fred AllenDuring the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

3 likes
Bill WattersonTalking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

3 likes
Kin HubbardDon't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

—  Kin Hubbard, 1868-1930, American cartoonist

  
  Treating others
Fred AllenTreat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

3 likes
  
  Reciprocity
Yogi BerraAlways go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

8 likes
  
  Respect
Groucho MarxI have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Gossip
Alice Roosevelt LongworthIf you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me.

—  Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt

5 likes
  
  Speaking
Jerry SeinfeldI read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

  
  Brevity
Salvador DaliI shall be so brief that I have already finished.

—  Salvador Dali, 1904-1989, Spanish painter

  
  Talking
Rodney DangerfieldI haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
Woody AllenGod is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

3 likes
  
  Listening
Franklin P. JonesOne advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

—  Franklin P. Jones, 1908-1980, American columnist

Ashleigh BrilliantIf you think communication is all talking, you haven't been listening.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Silence
Will RogersNever miss a good chance to shut up.

—  Will Rogers, 1879-1935, American actor

6 likes
  
  Seeing
Groucho MarxAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

8 likes
  
  Secrets
Henry YoungmanThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

4 likes
Ronald ReaganThere are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

5 likes
  
  Advice
Gore VidalThe four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

4 likes
Dave BarryHave you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

5 likes
Kin HubbardThe worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son

—  Kin Hubbard, 1868-1930, American cartoonist

  
  Consolation
Don HeroldWomen give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.

—  Don Herold, 1889-1961, American humorist

4 likes
  
  Submission
Sam GoldwynI don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

2 likes
  
  Overcoming
Emo PhilipsA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

—  Emo Philips, 1956-, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Competition
Steven WrightThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Rejection
Sam GoldwynI can answer you in two words: im-possible!

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

2 likes
  
  Conflict
George CarlinIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

11 likes
Jerry SeinfeldWhen I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper cars. What a wonderful fantasy of the driving experience as it could be. All confrontation, no destination. Driving as an act of pure hostility.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

Ashleigh BrilliantI hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Protesting
Ambrose BierceRiot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

5 likes
  
  Blame
Ashleigh BrilliantCheer up! The worst effects of what we're doing won't be felt until after we're all dead.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Enemies
Frank SinatraAlcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

—  Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer

  

page 3 of 6







Laughing

relevant quote
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
Goethe
 

2024: Manolis Papathanassiou