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Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

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  Relationships
Mitch HedbergI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Love
Phyllis DillerI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Kiss
Lou HoltzThey say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.

—  Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach

  
  Man & Woman
George CarlinHere's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Katharine WhitehornOutside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

—  Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-, British columnist

AnonymousIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Henry YoungmanI take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Seduction
Steven WrightDrink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

  
  Eroticism
Mae WestIs that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

—  Mae West, 1892-1980, American actress

     (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s)

1 likes
Mae WestI've been in more laps than a napkin.

—  Mae West, 1892-1980, American actress

1 likes
Groucho MarxAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
Gore VidalI'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

  
  Sex
AnonymousMen have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
AnonymousLife is a sexually transmitted disease.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldWhat a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldIf it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Oscar LevantNow that Marilyn Monroe is kosher, Arthur Miller can eat her.

—  Oscar Levant, 1906-1972, American pianist

1 likes
Katharine WhitehornOutside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

—  Katharine Whitehorn, 1928-, British columnist

Woody AllenI don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Woody AllenLove is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Woody AllenIs sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Woody AllenSex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Woody AllenSex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

George BurnsI can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

George BurnsSex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Karl KrausA woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

Woody AllenHaving sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Prostitution
Ronald ReaganIt has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

  
  Homosexuality
Woody AllenBisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Marriage
AnonymousDon't get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.

—  Anonymous

1 likes
Jay LenoDon't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMarriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanShe's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Ambrose BierceMarriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Adultery
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanI've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Sacha GuitryWhen a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.

—  Sacha Guitry, 1885-1957, French writer

  
  Parents
Jerry SeinfeldMy parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenMy father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Family
George BurnsHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Zsa Zsa GaborI believe in large families: every woman should have at least three husbands.

—  Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress

  
  Children
Phyllis DillerWe spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years teaching them to sit down and shut up.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerI still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Friendship
Steven WrightIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Conversation
Fred AllenDuring the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Treating others
Fred AllenTreat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Reciprocity
Yogi BerraAlways go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

5 likes
  
  Babble
Rodney DangerfieldI haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Woody AllenGod is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Seeing
Groucho MarxAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Secrets
Henry YoungmanThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Ronald ReaganThere are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

  
  Advice
Gore VidalThe four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

1 likes
Dave BarryHave you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Yielding
Sam GoldwynI don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Competition
Steven WrightThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Rejection
Sam GoldwynI can answer you in two words: im-possible!

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Conflict
George CarlinIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Protesting
Ambrose BierceRiot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  

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