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Funny Quotes

Laughing

Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

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  Face
Abraham LincolnIf I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

—  Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865, American President

1 likes
Groucho MarxI never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

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  Soul
Woody AllenI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Mind
Woody AllenMy brain: it's my second favorite organ.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Fred AllenWhat's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Robert FrostThe brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

—  Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet

  
  Name
AnonymousThe astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars.

—  Anonymous

     (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970)

1 likes
Henry YoungmanThis man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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  Self-deprecation
Groucho MarxI don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

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Woody AllenI'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Margaret ThatcherOn my way here I passed a local cinema and it turns out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read: “The Mummy Returns”.

—  Margaret Thatcher, 1925-2013, British Prime Minister

  
  Perspective
George CarlinHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinSome people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Optimism
George CarlinSome people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Illusions
George CarlinI have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Ancestry
Rodney DangerfieldI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Memory
Steven WrightEveryone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Forgetfulness
Groucho MarxI never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
Steven WrightRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

2 likes
George BurnsFirst you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Fred AllenI always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Laughter
Groucho MarxFrom the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Smile
George CarlinIf a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Clothes
Mitch HedbergMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Dave BarryAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Ambrose BierceSweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

Phyllis DillerThe reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Appearance
Ronald ReaganA hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

George W. BushSome folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.'

—  George W. Bush, 1946-, American President

  
  Beauty
Karl KrausThere are women who are not beautiful but only look that way.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

Phyllis DillerI spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Ugliness
Rodney DangerfieldMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanYou look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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  Taste
Fred AllenEnglish coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Overweight
Rodney DangerfieldI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

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  Health
Dave LettermanDick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, “I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.” Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

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  Blood
Phyllis DillerYou know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Psychology
Sam GoldwynAnyone who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Luck
Franklin RooseveltI think we consider too much the luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

—  Franklin Roosevelt, 1882-1945, American President [1936-1945]

  
  Nudity
Marilyn MonroeIt's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

—  Marilyn Monroe, 1926-1962, American actress

1 likes
George CarlinIf a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Hair
Steven WrightIf Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Excitement
George CarlinThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Astonishment
George W. BushI have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

—  George W. Bush, 1946-, American President

  
  Disappointment
Rodney DangerfieldA girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

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  Fear
Steven WrightA lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Ability
Lyndon JohnsonIf one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can't Swim”.

—  Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969]

  
  Talent
Henry YoungmanYou look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
Fred AllenEd Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Intelligence
George CarlinThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Bravery
George CarlinAs soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Honesty
George CarlinHonesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Humility
Phyllis DillerYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Laziness
Rodney DangerfieldI tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Sin
Jay LenoIf God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

1 likes
  
  Vanity
Eugene IonescoGod is dead. Marx is dead. And I don’t feel so well myself.

—  Eugene Ionesco, 1912-1994, French-Romanian playwright

Fred AllenSome movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Stupidity
Dave BarryUser: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Ineffectiveness
Steven WrightI couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
Laurence J PeterEgypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

George BurnsSex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Fred AllenA committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  Incompetence
Mitch HedbergThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

1 likes
Sam GoldwynThe next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Greed
Steven WrightYou can't have everything ... where would you put it.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Difficult people
Dave LettermanThe worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

1 likes
  
  Madness
Rodney DangerfieldI told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

1 likes
Jean CocteauVictor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Victor Hugo.

—  Jean Cocteau, 1889-1963, French artist

  
  Cowardice
Spike MilliganI'm a hero with coward's legs.

—  Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian

1 likes
  
  Fanaticism
Dave BarryThe problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
  
  Wickedness
Ambrose BierceWitch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Hypocrisy
Abraham LincolnIf I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

—  Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865, American President

1 likes
  
  Indifference
George CarlinPeople who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Inaction
Karl KrausI don't like to meddle in my private affairs.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

  
  Annoyance
Fred AllenI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Sam GoldwynIf Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

Isaac AsimovThose people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

—  Isaac Asimov, 1920-1992, American Sci-Fi writer

  
  Scoundrels
Howard ScottA criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.

—  Howard Scott, 1890-1970, American engineer

  
  Suspicion
George CarlinIf a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Disbelief
Arthur ClarkeI don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

  
  Absurdity
George CarlinYou know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Dave LettermanAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

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  Dislike
Mark TwainI do not like work even when someone else is doing it.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Fred AllenCalifornia is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

Woody AllenI don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Lou HoltzThey say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.

—  Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach

  
  Criticism
George BurnsCritics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Doubt
Yogi BerraTake it with a grin of salt.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Deception
George CarlinIf a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Henry YoungmanThis man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Explanations
Ambrose BierceReligion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Anger
Steven WrightDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

1 likes
  
  Running away
Henry YoungmanThere was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

1 likes
  

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Laughing

 
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There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
Goethe









 
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2017: Manolis Papathanassiou