The Best Quotations


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Quotes by

Phyllis Diller

1917 - 2012 ,  American comedian
Phyllis DillerAmerican actress and stand-up comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

18 quotes61 visits


Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Funny Quotes

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Our vet told us that because of my cooking our cat has only two lives left.

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.


Similar sources

 George Carlin

 George Burns

 Henry Youngman

 Fred Allen

 Groucho Marx

 Mitch Hedberg

 Rodney Dangerfield

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2017: Manolis Papathanassiou