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Quotes by

Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg, 1968-2005 ,  American comedian
Mitch Hedberg American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor.

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Funny Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.


I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.


Dogs are forever in the push up position.


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.












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