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Quotes by

Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg, 1968-2005 ,  American comedian
Mitch Hedberg American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor.

12 quotes73 visits

Funny Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Dogs are forever in the push up position.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


Similar sources

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 George Burns

 Henry Youngman

 Fred Allen

 Groucho Marx

 Phyllis Diller

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2017: Manolis Papathanassiou