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Quotes by

Henry Youngman

1906-1998 ,  American comedian
Henry YoungmanAmerican comedian and violinist, born to a Jewish family in London, famous for his mastery of the “one-liner.”

17 quotes1,324 visits

Funny Quotes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by four o'clock.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.


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