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Quotes by

Henry Youngman

1906-1998 ,  American comedian
Henry YoungmanAmerican comedian and violinist, born to a Jewish family in London, famous for his mastery of the “one-liner.”

18 quotes64 visits

Funny Quotes

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by four o'clock.


When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?


When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.


My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.


I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.


A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.


You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.


I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.


This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.


She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.


There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.


When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.












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