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Quotes by

Steven Wright

1955- ,  American comedian
Steven WrightAmerican comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes.

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Funny Quotes

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.


I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.


I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.


I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.


Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.


A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.


In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody's perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.


There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.


I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography


The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?”


I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.


What is the speed of dark?


If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.


I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?


You can't have everything ... where would you put it.


How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?


If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?


If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?


What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?


How young can you die of old age?


I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.


I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.


If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.












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