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The Best Quotations

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Quotes by

Steven Wright

1955- ,  American comedian
Steven WrightAmerican comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes.

41 quotes4,465 visits

Funny Quotes

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?”

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… “How to Build a Boat.”

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

You can't have everything ... where would you put it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody's perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What is the speed of dark?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I’m addicted to placebos.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

How young can you die of old age?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

What a nice night for an evening.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


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